They Taught Me Not To Cry

Life is not hard to manage

when you have nothing to lose.

–Ernest Hemingway

… They taught me not to cry.

It was late night. We were sitting in the kitchen, smoking and he was telling me about his life. Then the boy stood up nervously, went to other room and came back. He had some papers in his hand.

– Take it!

– Do you want me to read this?

– I gave it to you…

Honestly, it was a dull question. Why did I ask? Why did I pretend I did not understand that he wanted me to read it and know everything?

Certificate of death…

– She was in a psychiatric hospital. You know, all these pills… she would not be able to survive after…

– What about your father? You must have relatives?

– I never tire anyone. If he’d like he would find me.

At this moment I felt all his solitude: he was all alone in the world.

He had never known his father. The boy was seeing his mother only when she was coming back from a psychiatric hospital for a day or two.

– She loved me a lot but she always was mad.

The boy adored her.

He also had an uncle: his mother’s brother.

– Once he told me that we would go to his friend’s home. I was six years old. It was a big house… He asked me to play with children in the other room while he was talking to his friend. I never saw him again. This building was an orphanage where I spent four years. They taught me not to cry. They were beating me and repeating that I should not cry. I never cry…

I remembered another day when he asked me.

– Why do you smoke?

– I smoke because sometimes I feel bored with people. Smoking isolated me from them.

– Why don’t you just leave…?

It was always hard for me to leave.

For the soul, seeking for love, to leave was life: interrupted relations, killed desires and solitude. His wolf’s eyes were looking into your soul and asked: why are you scared?

Do not be afraid, all is just a moment…

Anush
December 2007

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1 Comment

Filed under All Tings, Prose

One response to “They Taught Me Not To Cry

  1. Jahar

    Once again, a compassionate and yet eloquent view of those that society conveniently forgets…

    Thanks Anush

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