Woman Wanted

Must be willing to live with and be a companion to an eccentric, moody man who talks and sings to himself when he is in a room all alone and can be temperamental but is usually a fun-loving, great guy. The client is perceived to be considerate and kind but also an occasional hothead by all his close friends.

Must have an excellent sense of humor and comprehend the concepts of cynicism, sarcasm, and black humor. The applicant cannot be temperamental whatsoever and must balance the mood of the client. The ability to induce laughter is essential. Bland and banal conversationalists need not apply. Egomaniacs are unwelcome.

Applicants should not be taller than 5 foot 9 inches or 175 cm, but measurement requirements are flexible. Brunettes are preferred, especially those with naturally curly or wavy hair. Applicants must be considered “pretty” when no make-up is applied.

Must be able to please the man 24 hours a day, providing various forms of entertainment, especially during late evening hours. Should demonstrate creativity, flexibility and open-mindedness.

Fears and phobias must be few—aversion to cockroaches is tolerable.

Must have an acute attention to detail and cleanliness. Cleaning the home using a provided vacuum cleaner, brooms, extension devices, cloths, sponges and mops—using various powers, liquids, and creams when necessary—is a mandatory requirement. Laundry services must also be rendered—a washing machine will be made available.

Must be an excellent, versatile cook. Will be required to prepare various kinds of ethnic foods, occasionally with the assistance of the client.

Should take part in all eating, drinking, and other spontaneously engaged, yet interesting activities with the client. The applicant should have a minimal dislike for any fruits, vegetables, or meats. Should enjoy alcoholic beverages, notably wine.

Should possess some sense of adventure and enjoy the simple life on an occasional basis. Should also be willing to go on excursions into the countryside in a motor vehicle driven by the client.

Must be cultured, well-rounded and well-read. Must astutely appreciate the arts and film. Music preferences must include jazz, some rock, classical, and ethnic world music. Familiarly with or willingness to learn the music of John Coltrane and other jazz musicians is essential.

Should have an eclectic taste for fashion. Spike high-heeled shoes are not allowed. Clothing worn must be comfortable to the applicant—the wearing of tight-fitting garments is unnecessary. Cosmetics must be applied in small amounts or not at all. The usage of hats in all weather conditions, indoors or out, is extremely valuable to the client.

Language preferences—must speak English fluently, preferably with a charming accent. Fluent Armenian is also essential. Knowledge of Russian, French, Catalan, Hindi and Japanese languages is advantageous.

Compensation—Room and board, frequent entertainment provided by the client implementing various creative scenarios and situations.

Applications are being immediately accepted on a rolling basis—no deadline at this time.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Woman Wanted

  1. Annie

    For some odd reason I thought of you when I was reading this. I am sure you are well aware of this event.

    AMERICAN JAZZ TO SOUND IN ARMENIA
    [03:55 pm] 05 June, 2008

    The U.S. Embassy in Armenia will hold its seventh annual “American Jazz in Armenia” celebration during June 4-10, 2008. American tenor saxophonist Jerry Bergonzi and his quintet will bring their unique American style to a series of activities that are being conducted within the framework of the celebration of 70 years of jazz in Armenia.

    Jerry Bergonzi is an internationally recognized jazz performer, composer, author and educator. His dedication to jazz music has been well documented by an extensive discography. The quintet also features Phil Grenadier on trumpet, Joshua Davis on upright bass, Vardan Ovsepyan on piano and Karen Kocharyan on drums.

    The Jerry Bergonzi Quintet will perform at the Aram Khachaturian Concert Hall on June 7 and at the Avant Guard Folk Club on June 8. The quintet will also give master classes at the Nareghatsi Arts Center on June 5 and 9. Tickets for the June 7 concert are free of charge and can be picked up at the Aram Khachaturian Concert Hall box office.

    The U.S. Embassy partners with the Committee of Armenian Jazz 70 in organizing the June 7 concert.

  2. Wow. That’s some demanding list… I would ease up a little bit.

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